Saturday, December 19, 2009

Heartbroken

I'm not sure if anyone ever comes here anymore but Thought I would write today and tell what has really been going on in my life! I've not really been coming and blogging much. For months No, really on and off since my daughter has been born I've not been happy. Actually, I've been extremely depressed. So much at times that I've thought of suicide. I hate to say or even imagine that. Cause I know what Suicide has done to my family in the past! About 7 years ago my sister, Marcia Committed Suicide and I know that I can't put my family through that again! I have a beautiful daughter to think of. I know that I can get through this its going to be hard. But I think I already know what I've got to do. 

So much has changed between my husband and I. I'm not sure if any of it can be repaired. So much has happened. I love him, but I can't keep getting hurt and I have to do what is best not only for myself, but for my daughter too. I guess it started when I had my daughter, I had an emergency C-Section and had a staph infection  (MRSA) but later found out once I got home about it! Anyways, he has always worked a lot of hours. Leah has always had to stay in our bedroom, because we've either lived in a small house that was only a one bedroom or we've lived with someone where we only had one room to ourself. He would get mad if she cried or if she stayed up late. It would keep him up! And of course he had to be at work the next morning. Then he would begin hiding certain "Habits" I found out about them and finally accepted those "habits" but he wasn't being the person I fell in love with. He told me he was a Good Christian man and that's what I fell in love with. I think we've always argued about him not wanting to spend some time with me and showing me those little gestures that he loves me. But he doesn't. He said I shouldn't have to have that, that I'm living some fairy tale. He told me the other night that what he wanted most was for EVERYONE to leave him alone! He works almost 60 hours a week, and he doesn't want to spend time with his wife and children??? isn't something wrong with that picture? This coming March my husband had a car accident 2 years ago, he almost died. I've had a near death accident, in which I started not taken life for granted so much. But, not him. He has even said he wished he went ahead and died. Well, we where in bed one night. He began punching me in the face. I guess I should of left then. But he said he it was an accident and that he done that in his sleep. Maybe he did but who is to say he didn't do it on purpose to try and make me leave. I don't know. But why stay in a marriage if your miserable and unhappy? I always said I didn't believe in divorce but I guess overtime when so many things have happened you just get tired of caring and just want to be whole again. I'm not working and just going to school which makes this much harder. My jeep is tore up and have no way about going anywhere which makes it just as hard. Hopefully I can get it fix soon. 

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