Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy 2nd Birthday Leah Josephine

Where has the time gone? My baby turned 2 years old today. I had a rough pregnancy and delivery. I had to be induced and was doing great with the labor pains but I was afraid I couldn't handle the pain later on so I went ahead and took the epidural. I went into labor around 6 am and for the most part everything went along smoothly. My dr. Couldn't be there and sent in the midwife. I only saw her once at that was around 8 am. The only ones I saw was the delivery nurse. I don't understand why they didn't come to check on me? Any hoo I started pushing around 3 pm and was having no luck at all. She was turned to wrong way. Her heart rate was dropping. Finally at 7 pm my doctor showed up and wondered why I still hadn't had her. The delivery nurse had only been on the job a few days and I think she got scared and didn't tell them what was going on. He finally got to her head and tried the sucction but there wasn't much sucess. He said if you don't have her in 30 mins well have to do an emergency C-Section. So 30 mins passed and her heart rate continued to dropped so they asked my husbands permission. He agreeed and at 8:27pm we had our baby girl. But all was not right with our world. She only had a 10% heart rate and her lungs had collapsed. They worked on her and she was on all sorts of machines luckily she pulled through. But I didn't even get to hold her till around 3 am. I really feel it's important for mother and child to bond those first few moments of life. I don't think we bonded like we needed to. She had jaundice for over 3 weeks and I had a god awful staph infection. I literally was dying my Hubby worked 12 hours a day and I was at home unable to do much of anything at all. I got so sick with that staph infection and the worse part the hospitial staff nor my doctors told me!! They sent me home knowing about it! Thank God my sister came by to check on me. I could barely care for her on my own little on myself. But, she was there more ways than I know. After coming home from the hospitial I didn't get out much and I think it resulted into post partum depression. The doctors didn't believe in PPD but I had it and I think it's important to get fresh air. Especially with little ones. At times I feel like I'm raising her myself. But men are men! That can't be helped. I would love to give leah a little brother or sister but I think getting in shape is more important. I've tried going to see my patents and even sisters as much as I can. But, I can count on one hand how many times they've been to see me. It's like if I have to bust my @$$ to keep the relationship. I'm tired of it! I had leah's party yesterday and made it at a time my family could come. Not one person from my family showed up and I've been kinda down about it. My parents go to my dead sisters and brothers grave but can't see the ones that are alive WTF? I go see my parents as much as i can and my sisters too but,I feel like they could care less about me and take me for granted. I'm just tired of bending backwards to make them happy and to keep the relationship open! I'm not even gonna waste my time with my families annual Christmas eve party this year. What's the point? Why put on an act? Why come around when they don't all year around. I'm just tired of it. I hope that me and leah are alot closer as she gets older. I hope I can have more children and Leah is close to them. Happy Birthday baby girl I love you so much!!

I heard this song as soon as i Got in my jeep this morning and It was something I needed to hear. Right now I feel very alone. I guess I'm feeling down about how my family treats me.I feel Like I only have my husband and daughter as my family now. I feel like my family has forgotten me and could care less. This song gave me comfort this morning just when I needed it. I'd like to dedicate this song to leah Happy Birthday Baby Girl I ♥ you!

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